All About Gates

Hey, I’m writing a story at the moment because I really like writing, and also because I want to improve my English writing skills.
I’m thinking of putting this up on Fictionpress, but I first want to know how I’m doing. I asked my sister to read it and she said it was too detailed/descriptive, and that because it was so long you wanted it to get to the point. I think what she said was true, and I’m quite sad because I put a lot of work into it. But what the hey, I don’t mind other’s opinions. What do you think of this? (Please tell me what I’m doing wrong, and a mark out of ten?) Thanks!
“Riley Parkers took a deep breath and exhaled. You’re going to be fine, she said for the millionth time, you’ve done this before. Nodding her head resolutely and clenching her fists, a vain attempt at reassurance, she slid the glass door open and stepped inside.
The café was warm and well-lit though it was an early summer afternoon in Manhattan. Riley scanned the shop for someone to approach and her eyes landed on a guy with a mop. He was cleaning the wooden floorboards in a corner, an earpiece dangling from his ears as he swayed to the music.
She didn’t know what to do. Obviously he thought he was alone, and Riley didn’t know if she should interrupt or come back tomorrow. She was about to turn when he looked up, startling her. He was in his mid-twenties with slightly tanned skin and grey eyes. He was handsome, and he had grey eyes and dark brown hair that fell into his eyes. A silver stud in his ear shimmered in the light.
He pulled his headphones off. “Can I help you?”
Riley took a deep breath, frowning in nervousness. She wasn’t diffident, just anxious. “I’m here to apply for a job.”
He propped his elbow on the mop. “You’re here to apply for a job?” he repeated.
“I’ll do anything,” Riley added hastily. “I’m pretty strong and I’ve waitressed before…” She turned round and pointed at a sign hanging on the window. “I can do that- if it’s not taken.” She began to push her glasses further up her nose. It was an unruly habit of hers when she was nervous or anxious.
He glanced at the sign behind her. “That sign’s old.” He dropped his arm and resumed his post. For a minute Riley stood there watching him slide the mop back and forth across the wooden floorboards, confused. She pushed her glasses further up her nose. He had said the sign was ‘old’. What did that mean? Did that mean the position wasn’t vacant anymore?”
“Riley flushed in fury, a colour so deep on her pale skin she seemed to glow. She was sure that she this guy figured out. First impressions were everything in the work place- they revealed the worst in people- if they were dominant or a push-over, and Riley was definite that Seth was the former. She couldn’t believe that Seth wasn’t the least bit embarrassed for dancing like a wild cat before and that this was his treatment.
She had no choice but to follow him. As he led her towards the back she wondered what it was that had made him hire her, but no such ideas appeared. Already, everything was so confusing, complicated too quickly. First he’d treated her nonchalantly, then badly- yet just now he had looked shocked when the handle had hit her. Riley shook her head; there she was again, going in-depth about insignificant things. Maybe he was like this to all his employees- at any rate she would find out soon.
Seth stopped at the entrance where a few steps would lead them down. A stream of sunlight filtered through the glass windows throwing the western half in light. On their right was a golden fireplace with a wrought iron gate; in the centre were two round breakfast tables made of dark stained wood. The curved room was exquisite in every way, lavishly decorated with its terracotta white-washed walls, chandelier and vintage lamps. A broken statue stood next to a pair of white French doors, and beyond was a greenhouse. It was a beautiful room, and at first sight Riley knew that she loved it. She noted with pleasure the small drawings inked in black at the base of the walls.
For Seth, the beauty had once again rendered him breathless. This was his favorite room in the whole of the café, the one place where he could relax after a long hard day. He walked towards the French doors and swung it open with both hands. Riley was right behind him, admiring the glasshouse with the same marvel.
Penetrating through the green glass the sun’s rays continued to reflect off every possible surface. Potted plants and flowers lined the walls on wooden benches- pink, yellow, purple and red all greeting you at once. On each side of the greenhouse an avant-garde patio set stood on a raised porch. A strange longing was setting in the pit of Riley’s stomach. She couldn’t believe how anything on earth could be so beautiful. She wanted it all, to call it hers as she scanned every part of the greenhouse, her eyes wide.
Seth, however, did not wait for her to finish. Clutching her arm he led her to the porch on the le